This talk will take you on a rollercoaster ride through my experiences processing data breaches, from the initial shock and chaos to the intricate dealings with cybercriminals, anxious companies, and the ever-watchful FBI. Blending humour with hard-earned insights, I'll share the good, the bad, and the downright bizarre, offering a unique perspective on what it truly means to be at the intersection of cybersecurity, crime, and law enforcement. Prepare for a session filled with unexpected lessons, quirky anecdotes, and practical wisdom for navigating the murky waters of digital security.